that deep place

Can I share my heart here for a little bit? Returning home is not always an easy thing. You just don't know what it will look like and you don't know how you will react to the transition and the change. It's a strange thing. It sometimes takes you by surprise. All the questions. All the visitors. All the coffee dates. All the familiar and yet all the new. There is no "one way fits all" and there is no blanket statement for how it will be when you "get back." Somehow each course and each time it's an absolutely different experience for each person who returns to that place where they once were (in other words "home"). They say that people who go abroad for an extended period of time have a new affinity with 1. the elderly 2. those who have lost a loved one 3. a soldier or someone in a related line of work. This is probably because each individual from these scenarios has so many stories to share and so many new life experiences (that sometimes people are interested in hearing and other times not so much) and the people from all three of these categories have experienced a whole gamut of emotions that are often times hard to express. Although there are handbooks for "re-entry" or "grieving", etc., and some shared similarities, there really is no way to know how you will feel and relate in the days and months after your return.

These last two weeks have been difficult. I have felt like I had no emotions, like they were all spent during the time I had to say my goodbyes and leave. Just as you can turn the radio dial "on" or "off," I felt like my emotional setting had been turned to "off," that setting where you can't outwardly express your feelings. It suddenly felt like the pictures in my album were a distant memory but I didn't want it to be that way. I've been going through my album daily with friends and family members and missing my "family" abroad so much. Each time I looked at the pictures, I actually hoped I would be able to cry because I just miss them that much. Tears are one of the most intimate places I know and I felt like I couldn't get there, I felt like I couldn't release what was within. Two days ago I asked why it feels like they are so far away when I see them in pictures and why it doesn't make them feel closer to me and my friend answered that it's because the pictures can never fully capture the moments we shared together that I treasure deep inside my heart. I asked how these next days and weeks and months will look as I am back. I asked why it's overwhelming to be home. But we don't have the answers. You know that saying "you leave part of your heart behind" sounds so cliche but I'm not sure if there is a better way to put it. Similarly when you lose a loved one, nobody else can ever replace the special relationship you shared with them. You can't re-create it. You live with the memories you shared together and you cherish them. Then two days ago the tears flowed and I let them. I guess it's part of the unknown process. After the tears came, I went back to my theme passage of Scripture for the year and was reassured with the words, "I know" spoken by the Lord in Psalm 139. He says, "I know, Victoria" and I was reassured that he holds me during this time.

Please continue to pray for me. Even though my time abroad has drawn to a close, I would appreciate your prayers in the coming days.